it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
