either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
