I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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