My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
