New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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