when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
