Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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