Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
