Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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