Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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