I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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