"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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