Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
