you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
