I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
