I met the friendliest cop last night
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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