my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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