You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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