Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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