No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
