some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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