I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
