and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize