I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
