Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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