Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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