I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
