I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Someone shattered a urinal.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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