Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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