He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
