id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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