I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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