But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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