i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
