Your mouth is God's brothel.
Say something about gay babies.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
