We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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