Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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