In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
