Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
