Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
