My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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