I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
