It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
