Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
