I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Randomize