also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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