YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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