i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
