i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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