You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
