did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
