Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
