I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
