soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
