Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You should frame my arrest warrant.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
