Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
