Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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