ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
