I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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