Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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